i had a very different blog entry to post here, but things change so quickly and i found myself having to delete it and start over.

shortly after Valentine’s Day, Brian and I were really excited to find out that Joshie was going to become a big brother this October. 2 October babies! What a wonderful surprise! I found myself looking through some of Josh’s newborn stuff, thinking about those hazy cuddly newborn days, checking the baby carrier, and most of all, looking for an obgyn here in Albany. I found one nearby from the list that our insurance company had, and made an appointment for when i would have been 7 weeks pregnant.

on Monday morning, it became apparent that something was very wrong; i woke up bleeding early that morning. i called the doctor’s office and they wanted me to come right away to get some bloodwork done and see the doctor. Brian, fortunately, was on his day off, so he and Josh stayed at home while i went to the doctor’s office. to make a long story short, after doing an ultrasound, the doctor was fairly sure that i had been pregnant, but also fairly sure that i was no longer pregnant. a second ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon confirmed that.

it’s hard to see this all “on paper”. it’s hard to talk about it. it’s hard because it becomes more real, and i really don’t want this to be real. i want it to be a bad dream that i will wake up from at any moment. i want to still have that little life growing inside me. i really do believe that our baby is now in heaven and that some day we will have the chance to meet him or her. what’s also hard right now is that there is no funeral, no ritual that our culture offers for something like this – we don’t really get to say goodbye. we didn’t have a chance to know if the baby was a boy or a girl, we didn’t get to give our baby a name.

on Monday morning, all i wanted to know was WHY. I just could not fathom or come close to understanding why this is happening. but i know that, in this life, i will never know why. the only thing i can do is trust in the wisdom of my loving heavenly Father, who alone not only knows why this is happening, but also knows my pain and counts every tear that is falling from my eyes.

Nancy published these verses from Lamentations in the Pineview Ladies newsletter this week:

Lamentations 3: 21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

this is what i cling to.