I was working on this whole post about winter and winter-like seasons of life… I just can’t go down that path of comparison right now. Instead, let’s talk about creativity and it’s role in healing. For the past two years I’ve done that slightly-goofy “one word” thing. I like themes, themes give order and boundaries, I like those. And, for better or worse, the word that has consistently come to mind was “create”.
It has been incredibly significant for me to dwell on and apply that theme in my life. I’m a musician, I like to create beautiful knitted things sometimes, and for a long time words were my refuge as a writer. However, there came a point in time where I realized that almost every ounce of creativity had left me.
It wasn’t until very recently that I realized when that started. Years ago, in the middle of deep hurt, I found myself unable to put pen to paper anymore. Nothing was there. The words that had flowed into expressive free verse (I’m no good with rhymes), the attempts at psalm-like praises for my Savior… gone. Just gone.
A couple of years ago, I suddenly realized that not only was that still gone, but everything else was too. I didn’t even enjoy playing the piano. All of my creative refuges were gone, and oh, I was so sad. I had allowed a series of stressful events to steal almost every ounce of joy from me. Clinging to God for sanity and salvation, my soul cried out to him because I had no words.
Our move to Rochester was a new beginning for our family in many ways. I suddenly found myself feeling, as a friend described decompression, like a memory foam pillow that had been smushed up in packaging. I could literally feel my lungs expanding, as a reflection of what was going on inside my heart and mind.
Suddenly, I wanted to create. I tried a couple of things I hadn’t tried before. I even bought a grown-up coloring book. Don’t laugh at me. You know you secretly want one. I think I’ve colored about three pages but I was never great with coloring pencils anyway.
And then the music. It’s flooded back into my soul, and I have found myself truly enjoying playing and singing. Together. At the same time. On Sunday morning, in church. That’s new for me. I actually enjoy leading a church full of people in worship. Most of the time, I am not that aware of other people, it’s just me, God and the music. I still don’t really like speaking into microphones, but I’m working on that.
These past two weeks have been yet another spring forward in this area. I’ve had a mountain of work to do, and find that plugging myself in to headphones and a good Spotify playlist makes a world of difference. I listened to so much Audrey Assad this week that I ordered the songbook for Fortunate Fall, and am waiting for the Inheritance songbook to be back in stock. I’ve played “church music” for so long, but I hadn’t really tackled anything new or difficult to challenge myself. Brian and I recently saw La La Land and while I loved the story, I loved the music a little bit more. Bri found the book of music available for pre-order on Amazon and GUESS WHAT IS GETTING DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE ON VALENTINE’S DAY? This right here. I can’t wait.
With each of these little baby steps back toward the creative endeavors that I have loved, my heart is expanding. My capacity for joy is expanding, and other healing is taking place along the way. God is so good. Our Creator God blesses us with ways to echo His creativity every day. The words are starting to come back to me, and maybe one day I’ll be ready to let those flow too.
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