Recently Brian and I had a conversation in which he referred back to the time when Josh was small and I had a very difficult struggle with depression.  I had not thought about that part of my life in some time, and got thinking about everything that led up to the day when i finally decided to ask for help.  It’s something that i’ve shared with friends and family, but i’ve never really sat down and written it all out before.

In October 2004, Joshua was born.  Our much-loved and long-awaited baby boy changed our lives forever as he entered the world.  His birth was an amazing experience, although my body needed some time to recover and during that time i started to slide into depression a bit.  I think it was probably what most people would call the baby blues – but it never quite went away.

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it’s been a wild and wacky time around here lately.  i’ve been on medications that play crazy games with your head and body (and believe me, my coworkers and family can attest to that), and then this week one of our two cars died a peaceful, if not quite anticipated, death.  she didn’t owe us anything, but we are missing her right now, and we’re shopping for her replacement.

that car was given to us by a couple who had loaned it to us when our (at the time) only vehicle needed MAJOR repairs that were going to take awhile.  when we went to return it, they had decided that we should keep it – that, or they were going to donate it somewhere.  so we gratefully accepted the gift of that vehicle.  yes, it was an ’89, but it was in pretty decent shape for it’s age and it got better highway mileage by FAR than my ’02 Grand Am.  we have been thankful for that vehicle many times, and more than that, thankful for the generous spirit of the couple who gave us that car.  trust me, this story is leading somewhere beyond our search for a new-to-us car!

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so, a week ago Sunday i innocently lifted the lid of the grand piano at church, and it led to unimaginable pain and events that i could never have imagined in a million years.

as i lifted the lid, i felt a little twinge of pain, but thought it would just go away.  boy oh boy, was i ever wrong.  that night, as i stood playing the keyboard, i felt my lower back getting stiffer and more sore. that night i was engaged in a worship experience that was so wonderful, i didn’t really focus on how i felt physically, but by the end of the service i couldn’t bend at all, and was starting to get a little worried.  still, i figured that a few pain killers at home and a snuggle with the heating pad would make it all go away.  again… i was so very, very wrong.

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Today Brian began a sermon series called “Extravagant Love”, and as such we’ve been discussing ways that one can show extravagant love to others. I’ve been mulling over this topic in my head considerably lately – and it all started with the lady at Starbucks who paid for the entire order of the person behind her in the drive thru line.

Over the 10 years that we’ve been married, Brian and I have been on the receiving end of some pretty extravagant acts of love. Financial gifts from family members, a very thoughtful gift of US cash from a couple at church in order for us to have spending money on our honeymoon, a car loaned to us during a time when our only vehicle needed significant repairs and then *given* to us outright when we went to return it, folks from our church babysitting Josh so that we could have a night out together, a group of friends who surrounded us with acts of love when Brian fractured his back… and many other acts of kindness and love that impacted our lives significantly.

If i’m honest, i don’t know how much i’ve gone out of my way to do things like this.  And it’s easy for me to be generous to those i already know and love.  But what about those i don’t know?

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Yesterday i arrived home from work, mid-migraine, in lousy shape to say the least. i needed to take meds and get myself into bed for awhile. i had called home before leaving work and let Brian know that i wasn’t feeling well, and that i would be picking up subs (least smelly dinner option, also didn’t involve anything being cooked in my house – two important criteria for a migraine). he and Josh had meds and water waiting for me, and were being very quiet so that i could feel better faster.

i got myself into bed – and Josh came in to check on me after awhile. here is the conversation that followed:

Josh: Mommy, how is your headache feeling?
Me: (pain subsiding but now feeling very nauseous) well, i’m still not feeling too great
Josh: well Mommy, you should pray to Jesus and ask Him to make your headache go away
Me: (feeling somewhat chastised as i have not even CONSIDERED praying about it) you’re right Josh, i will do that. would you pray for me too?
Josh: i will! right now! in my room!

and with that, he marched off to his room and closed the door, and prayed. he was very happy that my headache eventually subsided. i’m very thankful that our little boy is really sensitive in situations involving sickness or injury… and even more thankful that the things we practice and teach about God and Jesus are clearly sinking in.

however… i feel, as i’ve already said, somewhat chastised at the fact that it took my 5 year old to remind me that the most important thing i could do in ANY situation was something i totally did not even consider initially. how often in life do i get frustrated and spin my wheels for awhile before i finally slink back to God in prayer asking for help… when the very FIRST thing i could be doing is immediately asking God for guidance, help, healing, whatever the situation needs. i know that Josh understands this on his own level – not long ago when i was visiting his classroom, the teacher was mentioning a friend who was away, sick with the flu. the kids were talking about making a card for him and Josh raised his hand and suggested that they should also pray for him! i was really thankful that his teacher responded by saying that she thought that was also a very good idea, and thanked Josh for being so thoughtful.

my son’s words and actions last night are a good reminder to me that rather than searching for answers inside myself (which, let’s face it, never really works terribly well), i need to head to my heavenly Father and ask Him for whatever it is that i am in need of.